- Do you have trouble saying no, even when you really should?
- Do you feel like people walk all over you?
- Do you have trouble keeping your temper under control?
What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue anxiety, in a way that doesn’t violate the rights of others.
Where does non-assertive behavior come from? Many of us are taught that we should always please and/or defer to others, that it is not nice to consider our own needs above those of others, or that we shouldn’t “make waves”, that if someone says or does something that we don’t like, we should just be quiet and try to stay away from that person in the future.
Why is Assertiveness Important?
If you don’t know how to be assertive, you might experience…
Depression: From anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, with no control over your life.
Resentment: Anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of me.
Frustration: How could I be sure a wimp? Why did I let someone victimize me?
Temper/violence: If you can’t express anger appropriately, it builds up until it blows.
Anxiety: which leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid situations or people that you know will make you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities, job opportunities, relationships, and lots of other good stuff.
Poor relationships of all kinds: Non-assertive people are often unable to express emotions of all kind, negative OR positive.
Parenting problems: Kids are born knowing how to test the limits their parents set for them. If parents aren’t assertive and firm their kids will walk all over them!
A note about selective assertiveness
Most people find it easier to be assertive in some situations than in others. This makes perfect sense. It’s a lot easier to hold your ground with a stranger than with someone you lovewho might get angry if you express your true feelings. But the more important the relationship is to you, the more important it is to be assertive. Assertive behaviors lead to increased respect from others, their willingness to see you as a person who respectshim/herself, a worthwhile person.
Is assertiveness always the best way to go? Before you decide to act assertively in a given situation, you have to decide if you can live with the consequences. Although assertive behavior usually will result in a positive response, some people might react negatively to it. For example, if your boss is completely unreasonable and is known to go ballistic if anyone dares question his orders, even non-aggressive, respectful, assertive behavior might set him off and you could lose your job. If that’s your situation, then you may decide you can’t afford to be assertive, and learn other stress management techniques.